I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
