if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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