we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
