theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm sobbing to NWA
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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