Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
