last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
