Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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