I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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