I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
