i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
