I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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