textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
