What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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