As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
