He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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