I can tuck mytits in my pants
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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