My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
