Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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