we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
