I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
