Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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