Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
