i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
