If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
