She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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