As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
