so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
