Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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