I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
