I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
