i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
