also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
