i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
