I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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