You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
