I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
