Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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