My sheets look like a crime scene.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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