You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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