So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
