happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
