I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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