My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The beer is more important than you right now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
