when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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