Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
