and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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