She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Someone shattered a urinal.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
