Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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