Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
