I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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